Vincent The Dragon

I did have a bit of fun while up there. Went to dinner and a movie wif a fox up there i know from online.
It's been a long time since i went out with a friend
I need to do that more often, perhaps, no - certainly it will help with my social skills and felling more at ease...
-
The class was good, got to play with some OS's i don't get a chance to see very often....Mac and Novel.
well - tommorow will be a long day...there is no telling what disasters await me at work...

Back up in Indy - Only for a few days though.

We are evaluating a new course for giving technitions ACCT (Advanced Certified Connectivity Technition) for some of the advanced network integration...boring

I have been to several schools this year, they are getting kind of in the way of life a bit...I damn sure better get a good sized raise this year...

right now...in class...bored...bored...bored

New month - New Moon - New outlook?

A new start perhaps, dont know...but i hope so
It's been kind of an emotional month.
During my kind of mental breakdown last month I finally told mom i was gay
...
I have been hiding so much for so long, pulling inside and hiding behind walls i put up. I always kind of felt it did not really matter because there was nothing really worthy of myself to give to anybody so why bother to let people know who i truly was. My destroyed self image got in the way. i may have issues and such but...i cant let those tie me down anymore or they will surely destroy me...Crohn's has taken so much from me, some of it i let it take...but not anymore...i have no doubt that i will get hurt, make mistakes, likely fall to pieces a few times more, but...i have to believe there is something, someone out there for me...

...even in the darkness there is hope, i just needed to open my eyes to see...

Hal, I made a grave mistake.
I am humbling apologizing for my rash and hurtful conclusion.
...
repairing that kind of damage may not be possible but i wanted what little of the word that visits this place to know that i was a total F-Tard.
...
..
.

Well, its remicade time again…so here I sit…
A lot has happened since the last time I was here. Life affirming soul lightening good things. I have found a friend that has helped me to realize things about myself, made me feel good about myself. I have decided to open up and let the world se the real me..not the one I have shown them in the past..if they don’t like it they can stuff it. I find myself with the confidence to open up to people and feel comfortable talking about just normal stuff…I am sure I have a long way to go, no doubt there will be instances of pain and rejection but…if I don’t get out there and try…alone and in pain will I die. I have no intentions of being alone in life anymore.

Second life is great, I have met and learned things and people there…but I need to cut back a bit…my first life needs my attention right now…I still plan to spend lots of time there…but it does not need to be my crutch anymore.

(^~^)

**edited thrice now that i have some sleep**
it would appear i maintained a certain level of skepticism on my part about knoll's intentions. i also allowed him to gain some power over me. i have learned so much in so little of a time. i was greedy, needy perhaps. i wanted more. i was naive deep down i knew something was terribly wrong. i share fault in this as well, i lied to myself. I believed your words knoll they were what i wanted to hear. i may not have experience but i know what i think things /should/ be between friends, companions and lovers. when you came to me then said nothing but just loomed over me and TP'd out to another location i knew you wanted me to follow. it was late as i did not think i could have told you what i needed to so i left. last night when you came to me with your scripted little act between you and your buddies and said things to me...i wanted so badly to tell you that i did not want you but i still thought your words to me before were true so i wanted to help, i did not want to hurt..i thank the powers that be for Sam and other friends in Lusk. Sam saw straight through you and Hal already knew of you. Hal is likely working with you. it is most likely that the staged event was to get me to run to him. Whom can tell what that night might have done to me. some of all your little bands words were true, i do have a gift i do want love. i am sorry for you that life has done something to you all that makes you bereft of knowing what friendship or love is. i don't know what i will do when we meet again, we will meet sometime, SL is a big place but i will not give in to my fears you will not chase me away with your idle threats. you have no power over me, you never did, the power was within myself the whole time...its a scary world out there, i always thought the world was what me make it to be; and i still do...no i will not change who i am. i will make more mistakes. i will not give in or give up.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Cat, good Cat, i truly hope i don't have to run to you like i did last night... this blog will be even less interesting if i fill it full of thankyou's to you...and i dearly want to remain your friend no mater what path my life takes me to.
...
i thought seriously about deleting the Bleah post...no it must stay.

its now 10am - i have not slept - these words i have written...i know they are not...i know i am not eliquant enough or knowledgeable enough to properly express what i want to say or feel after what has transpired thus...

/re-reads/
nope still clumpy but its the best i can do right now - i needed to post something - i hope i can sleep now.

**slept for 12 hours...muddy sleep waking up, looking over things...googleing people, checking backgrounds, myspace entries...turning myself paranoid...questioning incoming IM's from people thinking "are his intentions true, are 'they' still playing with me"... i just dont know anymore...its surreal how i let myself get so involved into something that is essentially not real...i may never be that naive again and yet i might...
...
For those of you playing SL, please be carefull...if you only want a quick yiff then be all means, but think first is that what you really wanted or are your emotions being played with by skilled preditors...
...i just dont know...i just dont know...

It funny how ones outlook and demeanor can be changed in one night by talking to a friend.

ThankYou Cat...for listening, i thankyou.

Sunday night I put myself in a situation I was not only ill prepared for but it opened up old wounds. Childhood baggage that I thought I had lost…I got afraid, I ran, I lied, I came back, acted the fool…for some reason I don’t yet fully understand the person I ran from, totally misunderstood, lied to came back and talked to me. That person now knows some things about my personal life that very few do…We seem to have something in common I also was not fully prepared to hear. And although I think we are searching for the same thing but in different ways and we may not ever be fully compatible; I have added a friend or at least someone whom has some understanding, no I added a friend…The experience did however take its toll on me physically and mentally; nothing quite like the feeling of dry heaving in the shower after having not slept for 36 hours…It took me a bit to dissemble the odd things coursing in my head but I think I know what I did wrong, what I want in the future and what path I want to take…now I just have to find the courage to move on, learn from my mistakes and continue exploring what is to be made of this Vincent creature.

I’m still scared, still fragile, still climbing out of the pit but I will never stop trying no mater how many times the fool of me I make.

Still in a frumpy mood but getting better; still analyzing and exploring possibilities but trying to solidify what I want, still moving on…
...
..
.

minor updates to BIO,
starting to consolidate multiple used files to common location,
organizing pictures for furbabies

Final course grade 100%
(^-^)

When i pulled into my home state, i decided to pull into the car wash.
Now down here, its cold but there has been no snow.
About 2/3ds of the truck bed was still full of snow and the car wash
employees and patrons are all like "WOW, where did the snow come from"

Anyway, after deciding that the truck could pass through the wash
without a problem; its the kind with the spinning brushes and the
hanging cloth; in it went.

After emerging from the other side and the attendants were done wiping
down the truck, they decided to have a snowball fight...It was the
funniest thing...

I have decided a few things...
I am going to take my life in a new direction, sort of...
No more will i hide in this self-destructive state of self pity.
I have no idea how long this remission thing will last, i may be starting late in life; clumsy and inexperienced though i may be. I will never know the joy of love if i never take the chance.
I have no desire to die alone.
That damnable voice in my head, the one that says what if you do meet that one, what if your struggles come back, how could you put someone you love through the pain of watching you go through that again, what if they leave you because of it...
Voice, why don't you just shut the F--K up.
If they leave me they were not the one, if they stay then we will lean on each other, if i do nothing then this life will have been a waste....

The weather here has let up...the roads are clearing..school is boring...seem to spend half of class time poking around the internet...

I had some fun tonight though...had some supperz with a furson i met in a newsgroup i hang out in. we had a fair amount of RP in the group and decided to meet.

Good guy, we actually seem to have a lot in common. Good food, good conversations, talked computers, technology, sci-fi etc. and since he is a field tech as well, we hit it off well.

Meeting a new friend makes the whole trip worth while.

Until we meet again little fox.

Yay for hotel internet - Boo for Mapquest for getting me lost...
The exit to I465N from I70; mapquest had the exit number TOTALLY WRONG!

This is different kind of hotel. The rooms are like efficiency apartments...Full refrigerator, stove, dishwasher, etc. That means no hotel bar, no hotel restaurant; no place to go and hangout and interact with other hotel patrons. There are only two of us in the class. I am not much of a sightseer, at least not on my own so there is little to do...
...
Right now I am watching Discovery Channel.
I don't watch TV at home, don't have cable or satellite and the over air stations are not very good and only a few of them. No I seem to waste time in the computer world, its more entertaining and generally less full of FAIL.

People are at a bit of awe when they learn that I have a 65inch HDTV but use it for TV...Nope its for movies, game consoles and computer media.

Relaxing, watchin TV...hope i get some sleep tonight but i doubt it...The noises are all wrong, i cant hear the hum of my computer, the dog is not stealing my pillow, the cats aren't trying to sleep on my face...

he he, i have to leave in a handful of hours for Indy....

Had some fun in SL last night, i seem to be pulling out of the funk i have been in.
I wish i could get my brain working when i need it though. i tend to...miss opportunities by remaining silent or not saying as much as i later feel i wanted to...Either way, I met some new fursons, had some good conversations...

A few of the Furs in a place i tend to hang out it were building physics catapults...those are fun. We all played for hours seeing how far the machines would throw our Avatars...I should have gotten a picture, Dang!
I was tossed several times almost two sims away, i was tossed into a third a few times but i would crash upon landing.

I need to get busy...pack, finish cleaning the Lair, bathe, shave, groom....

Works continues to be...busy.
I find out yesterday that i am scheduled to be in the Indy main office for a week long training...Nice lead time..

The sucky part is that it is on a machine that i have been servicing in the field for 4 years...there is little i don't already know..it more of a formality..

I have not had a full weekend that i did not have something planned in a while..need some R-and-R...

Happened upon a furson in SL that i have met before IRL, that was kinda cool

I hope to met him IRL again when i go to Conglomeration.

*giggles*

Somebody in SL gave me a complement on my tail