Vincent The Dragon

some times it just feels like it not worth chewing through the straps.

I can tell the stress of life is taking it tolls on my outlook on life.
I can blame it on being less than a month away from my next remicade treatment but thats a lie.

i am setting outside in the dark trying to see the keys, having a drink and a smoke.

Finances are not getting better, they are getting worse. this month i need to come up with $380 for cobra and $750 to start the high risk insurance i have no other choice but to get. While i enjoy the challenges i have before me at work, and the accomplishment of fixing weird issues we seem to have; it's very stressful to know at the end of the day i can't make ends meet and i can't afford to have the things i want like a house or a newer car. I worry that because of the seemingly constant barrage of issues the boss will not keep me on as manager after my 60 day trial and i will go back to just being an over worked and over extended technician. Will wants to do so many things, and i want them too but i have to keep saying no because we can't afford it and so i wonder how much longer he will keep putting up with me and having to live in the same house as mom. What happens when my 13 year old truck with 335000 miles kicks the bucket? What am i going to do when i simply can't keep the credit cards from increasing because i have to eat and pay insurance? I wish for easier times but know they will never come. I turn another year older this month and fear of becoming a bitter old man who had glimpses and touched upon happiness only to have it taken away of destroyed by my own doings.

I have accomplished a lot, been through more than my share of strife, had a share of good times happiness and sorrow; yet i feel small against the deluge of life. How long before it breaks me down and pushes me somewhere i don't have the will or strength to come back from?