Vincent The Dragon

So I sit here wide awake at 257am Central Standard Time. Why…because my mind won’t shut down. Because I look back on my life and realize I’ve not accomplished anything. I’m 35 years old….I’m a CNA and EMT and that is about as far as I have gotten in my health care career. I finally realized that I am a failure. Reason for saying this is true. Its like no matter how hard I try, nothing is working. I can barely afford medications that I need to take and have to rely on the government to help me out, something at my age I shouldn’t be doing. I work at a job I really like but not that good with money. It barely pays my bills as in, car, insurance, internet, phone, food, my computer.
I sit here as I type now taking a handful of my medications I need to in order to be better and injecting myself with another medication I need to keep me going. While taking these pills, I’m crying….why, because I’m tired of being sick, I’m just tired. Maybe some of these people are right, this is probably God’s way of punishing me for being gay. I’m at my last string on the rope we call life.
Still as I type more and more tears roll down my face. Because I look back on my life and feel that I have let my family down. My my grandmother was right, maybe because of my lifestyle, is the reason why my dad passed away in 2005. Maybe this is the reason why I’ve ended up like him in some ways as me having a heart attack at 34 in October, and now being a diabetic. I realize now, that everything that has happened to me….according to all the groups out there is because I am gay.
I’m sitting here and its hard to type….because I’m ashamed of myself. Ashamed to be called a human being because, in reality according to some, the true measure of a person is their ability to be productive in society. But I’m not productive. All I do is bring pain and misery to all that come in contact with me. I kinda knew when I was born, that my birth alone would cause so much heart ache to my family. Its because of me the reason why my family is they way they are today.
This is by no way is not how I wanted my family to be. But I have to admit, because me being gay, my family is now tainted. I don’t want them to suffer for my life style. I don’t want my great nephews or my niece and nephew about to come into this world, to have to worry about not being able to be them because of me.
Some times I wonder, what would have happened if maybe, I wasn’t born, I know how that would be…my family would be happier, they wouldn’t have to worry about struggling on a day to day basis because of me being gay. They wouldn’t have to worry about defending me and putting their own lives on hold to keep people from trying to hurt me. They wouldn’t have to worry about struggling about money and food sometimes. They would be happy and care free. That black cloud that is over them would be gone….the reason for that black cloud is me…..because of my lifestyle.
I pray every night that God would give them a break. They would be able to be whole again. But then again, I realized, God doesn’t hear my prayers because, God doesn’t like gays….I am a gay guy….so why should he hear me.

…being gay has nothing to do with any of these issues; your deflecting.

Wolf…stop smoking, eat better, exercise, help dragon.
$0.02